I recently read a blog post about passing. For those who don’t know, passing refers to people pretending to be an ethnicity they are not. This phrase is most commonly used for light-skinned blacks who passed for white, but as the post I read points out, people of a variety of ethnic groups have passed at various times in history.

Thinking about passing has gotten me thinking about pretending to be something you’re not. I realized that it’s something I do on a regular basis. I use shyness as an excuse, but now that I’m analyzing the motivation behind my behavior I don’t think it’s shyness at all.

I tend to shut down when I’m with people who are unfamiliar to me. I don’t say much of anything and when I do speak I do so in a way that is uncharacteristic of me. My husband refers to it as my “matter-of-fact voice.” I don’t speak up when I disagree or even agree with something someone has said. I turn into a dull person with no convictions and no sense of humor.

The real me is nothing like this. I’m quite wacky and have an opinion about most things. So why do I hide this from others?

For a long time I claimed to be shy, but now I don’t think that’s the case. I think that I’m trying to be what I think I’m supposed to be rather then who I am. I have an idea somewhere in my mind that I can’t be too wacky or have too many opinions if I want to be liked. This desire to be liked causes me to water down my personality to be something that I perceive to be more likable to the average person. This is a big mistake.

Friendships made based on this false personality that I present to others are not good friendships, because I’m not showing that person my real self. This is obvious, but if it’s so obvious why do I continue to do it?

I know I’m talking a whole lot about myself. You might be wondering how this information can help you. Take a look at your life. Is there any part of it where you’re pretending–at work, with friends, with family? Why are you doing it? How is pretending to be something you’re not helping you?

I would venture to say that it’s not really. It might seem to be superficially, but being dishonest with yourself and others about who you really are hurts your soul and even your relationship with them.

I have a friend who lies to her family about her sexual orientation. She also lies to her family about her economic situation by pretending to still has a job she got fired from months ago. She considers herself to be close to her family. She talks to them on the phone weekly and somehow manages to keep these parts of her life secret. How does feeling she has to tell these lies hurt her?

Sometimes you feel like you have to pretend to fit into the crowd or avoid rocking the boat, but maybe that boat needs to be rocked. Being who you truly are in all situations helps you build confidence and character. You may loose some people along the way, but would you rather lose a few friends or lose yourself?

The freedom of being honest with yourself about who you truly are is worth more than anything else.

Photo by Stuti ~

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