Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves. (Dr. Sidney Simon and Suzanne Simon, Forgiveness: How to Make Peace with Your Past and Get On with Your Life, 1990)

When I was about fifteen my mother came home from work and told me a story. She’d been driving around a the Atlantic City public library trying to find a parking spot. The place was pretty crowded. Finally she found one. After she’d parellel parked–a feat that to this day I’m unable to accomplish–a man in a sporty little car pulled up next to her and starting telling her off.

Appartently, he was looking for a spot too and he felt that she’d stolen that particular parking spot for him. She had no idea what he was talking about. She could’ve gotten into a verbal confrontation with this man. He seemed like he really wanted one. She said that she really wanted to because he was being so rude and nasty, but she didn’t. Instead she apologized to him. “I’m sorry you feel like I took your parking space. I’m sure you’ll be able to find another one soon,” she said. He looked at her stunned for a moment before driving off. That story impressed the teenaged me.

“What will you do if you ever see him again?” I asked.

“I don’t know. Say hello,” she said like it was the most natural thing in the world. I was thinking that maybe she should give him the finger or something if she ever saw him again.

In church and at home I always learned that I should forgive others. This was stressed. If my little sister broke my toy, I should forgive her. If a kid pushed me down on the playground, I should forgive him. This was a hard concept for me to understand. At the time forgiveness meant saying it was okay and then sitting by myself and poouting about it for an hour or two.

“That’s okay that you ate the candy I bought with my allowance and hid in the back of the cabinet. I was only saving it for a special occasion,” I’d say. Then I’d sulk in my bedroom and think, I can’t believe she ate my candy. She’s such a brat. She thinks everything belongs to her. She should go get her own candy and stop eating everybody else’s. Then if my sister asked me to play with her I’d be rude and mean. That’s not true forgiveness.

Even though I’ve matured over the years, I still approach forgiveness in the same way sometimes. I’m ashamed to admit it but it’s true. What good does that do me or anyone else? Anger has negetive physical effects on everyone. It raises your blood pressure, increases your heart rate, and causes your muscles to tense up. When I sit around stewing in my own anger, I don’t get anything else done and I feel bad.

This is where my mother’s story comes in. We have choices in this life. I can chose how I react to the behavior of others. This means I can choose to forgive. Why would I want to do that when being angry makes the other person feel really bad for what he’s done? Does it really? Do you even have contact with that person anymore? Has that person just gone on with his life while you spend your time being angry?

Chosing to forgive brings peace and happiness to your life. After I locked my sister outside in the cold wearing only her bathing suit, I forgave her for eating my candy and I felt a whole lot better.

Photo by Rodrigo Benavides.

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